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Monthly Archives: January 2018

Cherishing, Listening, Learning, To Understand As the Learned

I’ve been tinkering with a meaning of lowliness, and miracle on the off chance that it’s the readiness and capacity to persistently continue mortification in the trust of a decent result inevitably.

The individual leaving on modesty is absolutely a significant other, an audience, and a learner – and their prize is to end up one of the organization of the educated. The educated get it:

“It is quite clear that between love and understanding there is a very close link. He who loves understands and he who understands loves. One who feels understood feels loved and one who loves feels sure of being understood.”
– Paul Tournier (1898 – 1986)

Understanding is conducive to love. If we understand someone, we can love them. If they feel understood, they can love us. Yet if we choose to love, understanding is sure more often than not to follow. And would it matter if it didn’t follow, if we were committed to love? Such a love finds its greatest contentment simply in pleasing God.

To please God is to live as the obedient – as best we can hope for, within our brokenness. The LORD requires no perfection from us, except for the perfect diligence of considered preparation.

“The Lord GOD has given Me
the tongue of those who are instructed
to know how to sustain the weary with a word.
He awakens Me each morning;
He awakens My ear to listen like those being instructed.”
– Isaiah 50:4 (HCSB)

What better understanding is there than the one who understands the LORD, and His Words? Such a person waits on God in the awakened seconds of serenity that light up the morning. (And if that’s not an accurate depiction of morning, set it as a goal to attain, because otherwise you’re missing out. Praise God you’re alive.) As we wait, we’re given the Words, and those Words are a salve for the weary. But we must wait and then listen as those who are instructed. Humility of surrender must come first.

Those who wait learn to listen. Those who listen learn to understand. Those who love humility learn to love.

The Things Never to be Forgotten Ladies Know

Most ladies still need associations with men and most men still need to find that lady that will impress him. Be that as it may, there’s an issue: a ton of ladies have no clue what men are truly searching for.

From a young age, women have been taught to be upset with the image that looks back at them from the mirror. And so young girls stare at themselves and hate everything they see and believe that this is normal and acceptable behavior. The girls grow up and continue to hate themselves, just that now they get to cover up their imagined flaws with make-up, hair extensions, and cosmetic surgery. And most of the times they invest in these things because they believe that these will help them to get the guy they like to show some interest.

These same women become frustrated when they don’t seem to be able to attract high-value men. What they haven’t realized is that although looking good is extremely important, it’s not the most important thing that worthwhile men are looking for in a girlfriend. When a woman learns to love herself, she immediately becomes more attractive to everybody that comes in contact with her.

What are high value men really looking for?

1. A feminine, self-confident woman. Not a witch with a whip who thinks self-confidence is a synonym of arrogance neither a needy girl who can’t make any decisions on her own. Don’t confuse being sexy with being feminine, either. If your only goal is to be sexy, you will only attract men who want to have sex with you. A feminine woman is always sexy but a sexy woman is not always feminine.

2. A woman who is playful and kind. This is an authentic woman who isn’t afraid of just being herself. We live in a society that is obsessed with uniformity and everybody looking the same. A woman who dares to stand out, and can do it without being disrespectful to others, is attractive.

3. A woman who respects herself and hence, respects him. For men, respect is a huge deal. A woman shows respect for a man when she appreciates and acknowledges what he does for her. Also, when she communicates with him as an adult without eye-rolling, sarcasm, or name-calling.

4. A woman who appreciates him and isn’t afraid of telling him so. Men thrive on admiration. Women need to remember this.

5. A happy woman who already has a life of her own that she enjoys.

At the point when Needs Are Confused With Love

Love seeing someone is frequently admired, especially in the most punctual stages. This is most obviously seen when couples are in the “fixation stage” right off the bat in their relationship. Amid this time we may see our accomplice as close flawless; finishing our needs and giving a feeling of wholeness. The “I’s” turn into a “we” and with that there is an obscuring of “my” needs and “your” needs. We neglect to see our accomplice as a person, as partitioned and unmistakable from ourselves. It is not until later in the relationship that every accomplice recovers what are “my needs” and “Gracious, by the way you’re not satisfying them”. What’s more, the reasons can incorporate, “in light of the fact that you’re a control monstrosity”, “you don’t love me enough or like you used to”, “(clear) is more imperative than me”, etc. The hallucination of flawlessness has dispersed and is supplanted by hurt and hatred. Whenever love and mental needs are befuddled and interlaced the individual needs of every individual in the relationship is mistaken for that of their accomplices and may even be obscure.

Perhaps this situation is seen at no greater time than in emotionally intimate and/or committed relationships, as in spousal or parent-child relationships. The commitment allows for greater trust, which provides a foundation for intimacy, and thus the expression of our deeper emotional needs. Psychological needs may include, the need to be heard, needing to feel loved, supported, accepted, acknowledged, approved, wanted, etc. Partners often believe they “know” their own needs and that of the other but the presence of conflict between the two individuals will prove otherwise. According to Harville Hendrix in the book “Getting the Love You Want”, conflict is growth trying to happen or express itself. In this case, the conflict might suggest the growth of individual personalities expressing themselves. Or more aptly put, the expression of individual needs and the attempts to gratify them.

Confusing our own needs with that of another’s is very common. For example, a woman once told me she enjoyed helping her spouse complete tasks. These actions provided her with a sense of loving-kindness as she often witnessed in her own home growing up. Her spouse, however, would often become irritated which she interpreted as ingratitude for her help. When asked, it became apparent that her helpfulness was viewed by her partner as intrusive and further triggered a personal sense of incompetence. Her need to help conflicted with his need to feel self-sufficient. While we are certainly not responsible for how someone interprets another’s behavior or what this may trigger in them, it does serve personal growth and growth within the relationship to understand these perspectives. Oftentimes, the experience of emotional discomfort is viewed as caused by our partner. “I feel unloved because you don’t love me enough!” It is believed that our internal experience is somehow the result of someone else actions. Why, because it feels that way. In actuality, we can’t make someone angry/sad/unloved or afraid unless the issues creating such feelings are already there lying dormant waiting for someone to trigger the circumstances that give rise to such feelings. For example, if I feel loved, no one can “make” me feel unloved. Most of our intense painful feelings originate in our lives during a much earlier time when we were impressionable and vulnerable; a time when we lacked skills to cope or the ability to remove ourselves from the situation. While actions of another can certainly trigger dormant feeling in another, these actions cannot cause or create such intense feelings.

When attempting to untangle the enmeshment of needs there is an underlying or overt fear that if these needs are released there will be a loss of love and the relationship will fail or end. In other words, if “we let go of needing each other” then “we” will no long “love” each other. Years ago I worked with a mother who was attempting to allow her adult daughter to make her own decisions while owning her own feelings of separation, loss of control, and guilt; her daughter was nearly 30 years old and beginning to push back to reclaim her life. The anguish this mom experienced brought her to seek help. She continued to work hard in her attempt to be a “good mom” but this time it was in an effort to let go of needing her daughter so much. At one point in her process she came in one day and exclaimed, “Oh great! Now I don’t feel anything for my daughter.” Her anxiety was palpable. I reassured her through the explanation that this is exactly what it feels like to let go of need as we begin to move toward authentic love. The process of separation or individuation is often met with great resistance or push back. This can take the form of anger, arguing, pleading, or sadness as the new space between the individuals can trigger fears of emptiness and loss. However, in this space between the individuals people can grow as authentic individuals and develop a more mature, adult love and respect for one another.

With so much on the line why is it important to separate the needs of each partner? Here in lies the key objective as well. How does it feel to “separate” ourselves from someone we love? Can we still feel connected and love from the person from whom we are now emotionally separate? To many people the fear and anguish of separation is intolerable. It is easier to argue to change someone than to accept our needs and take responsibility for their fulfillment. To coexist with someone we are different from means in part we have to coexist with ourselves without depending on some one else to feel loved, wanted, supported, approved, etc. These needs are important and relationships with loved ones provide a vehicle for satisfaction of such needs. It is the intensity of these needs and the attempt to force fulfillment through another that differentiates these needs from love. Further, expressions of needs through relationships serve as a means to discover what our needs are and their importance to us (as evidenced by the intensity of arguments that may ensue when such needs are unmet).

Now that the tremendous resistance to separation is understood, why is it so important to identify our needs and to distinguish them from the needs of others? Because when needs are enmeshed with another’s, individual needs are obscured. Individual needs, such as to be heard or comforted, that are not seen cannot be met. To separate our needs from others helps us to see ourselves and allow others to see us. It helps us to get to know ourselves. As this knowledge of ourselves grows, it becomes clear that the needs we have are ours. They always were ours and the desires to have these needs fulfilled are our responsibility. It has to be our responsibility because no one knows us like we do. Our partner, child, parent or friend can’t fully appreciate our needs because as we have now learned they have individual needs of their own that hard as we try we cannot fully experience and thus fully appreciate. So if there is a need to be heard, are you listening to yourself or disregarding or dismissing your internal dialogue? Are you supporting yourself? Are you loving toward yourself or do you frequently criticize your looks, your thoughts, feelings, or actions? This process involves many layers. As we identify a need and begin to gratify this need, personal trust in our ability to satisfy or soothe our needs deepens. The authentic person within begins to emerge sometimes gradually and gracefully and sometimes with a few growing pains, but emerges all the same.

Accomplishs for Step by step to Attract a Great Woman

Has your dating drought gone longer than the Egyptian starvation of the times of Pharaoh? Have you been lying wakeful around evening time pondering what it is that the various folks have that you don’t? Have you even asked your mates what it is that is making you such an anti-agents? Is it difficult to recall the last time a lady was pulled in to you?

It probably hasn’t been that long, but when you’ve been going through a dry spell, it can certainly feel that way. Fret not, as the answers to get back in the game are about to be revealed. Here are the top five tips on how to attract a great woman. Follow these do’s, and it will not be long before your mates are the ones asking YOU for advice.

The Details:

  • DO be funny. Marilyn Monroe said that if you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything. Don’t believe her? Try it, and see for yourself. When asked what women are looking for in men in a Cosmopolitan poll, “funny” ranked above every other quality, and by quite the landslide.

Don’t try and be funny; learn how to be naturally funny. Highlight your positive quirks, or make jokes about the less-than-positive quirks. So long as your jokes aren’t fart or bodily function related, she will love that you laugh at yourself.

  • DO make conversation about local or world events. Women love worldly men according to a survey conducted by Forbes magazine. You don’t need to be able to cite the Constitution of 12 different countries; you just need to know basic news and what is happening in the world.

She wants you to be the expert; she wants you to be the one she turns to for answers. Even if she IS smarter than you, she still wants you to be knowledgeable enough about the world to help her understand it.

  • DO be the first to strike up a conversation, but DON’T start with a compliment. Women who hear a compliment first, particularly by a stranger, automatically get their guards up. Just strike up a random conversation with the one you are trying to attract. Keep the compliment on hold until you are about three sentences in; then it is more likely to catch her attention in a positive way because she will think, “Well, my looks weren’t the first thing he noticed.”
  • DO dress to impress. Handle your personal life the same way you handle your professional life. Dress to impress for the job interview, or it isn’t going to happen. For you, that’s the first date or the chemistry-building experience.

Like a job interview, dress according to where you are going, and look sharp, polished and only slightly more dressed than the current crowd. It sounds like a silly thing to you, but it’s something she will be looking for. Some women also judge a man by the quality of his shoes. Has it been a few years? Get a wardrobe update if you need to, if you are looking to be loved.

  • DO something that shows her you made a special effort, just for her. When a man makes a woman feel special or he does something that goes out of the way for her, she is instantly attracted to him, even if she wasn’t before. This is why some women have office affairs when things start to go stale with their husband. They get ignored at home, but someone at the office recognizes her talent, and before she knows it, things have gone out of hand.

If you are just trying to make it in the single life with your crush, do something sweet for her and slowly she will start to see you in a new light. If it’s your neighbor you want to notice you, for example, clean off her car or driveway after the next snowfall.

The Bottom Line:

When it comes to attracting women, the key is to cater to the side of the fairer sex that they use in the world of dating. That’s the emotional side. When you can make a woman feel positive emotions around you, that is going to increase her chances of being attracted to you. Whether that’s by making her laugh, making her feel good or going out of your way to do something nice for her, it’s these little simple things that will slowly start to build the long-lasting chemistry and attraction you are seeking.